how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
