I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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