Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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