I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
