You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He kissed a someone with a penis
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
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