i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
