The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm getting married
To pizza
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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