you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When did angry sex become our thing?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
