the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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