you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
