i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
