Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
