hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
