You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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