I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
