I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
