I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
