So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
