Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
