Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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