he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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