just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
