why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
