fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
