did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
