I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
