I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
