i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
