I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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