It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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