She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
