remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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