i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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