Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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