Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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