When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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