Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
