You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
