trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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