was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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