I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
