Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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