Don't you send me to vm
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
