You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
