i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
