maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
