I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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