Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
