you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
