Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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