Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
